Im Memoriam To Pegs

[chapsi]

Forums are always on the move, which is a good sign of invigorating changes.
In a way, I hesitated to post this here in EE, as I was afraid to keep boring everybody with my on going sadness. Most of us have lost beloved horses and other animal friends, and yet life goes on. Then I thought about it and I decided to write something about it. I’m at work, I cannot function today, I need to tell as this is anguishing me and there is nobody around to comfort me.

For those of you who still remember me and Pegs, it’s a year today since he departed. Pegs died but in the process he took part of me with him. I’ve tried my best to cope with the loss, to overcome my mourning, to get by with things. I've been chasing another dream, but so far it proved a hopeless quest.
Everybody says that time heals; I guess it helps, but this wound feels still open. I tried to forget the difficult times he gave me and to focus on the good ones, nor can I forget the much I loved him. Will this pain ever go away?!

Every day, as I drive to work, I pass the Tapada de Mafra, a woodland area where he was buried and I feel his spirit up above me. How I miss you Pegs, how sad I still feel about your departure.... At least you are free, now you can stretch your wings and fly away from all the evils of this worldly existence.

I named him Pégaso Magnificat, because beyond his appalling condition I recognised his magnificence all along.
RIP beautiful boy. We were never meant to be... not in this world, maybe in another.

I also wish to take this opportunity to thank all of you, who in a way or the other, took part in my Pégaso saga and gave me so much comfort and support. A warm Thank You, so, so, so much.

A friend of mine posted this poem this morning. I think it’s rather beautiful and touching too.

Solace
From the silence of your pain I heard my name
and on the wings of light I have come
to see the sadness in your eyes
that cry without tears

Can you see me, I am here
I will always be near you
to calm your shattered heart
and to make you smile at the memories

Do you feel me, perhaps a soft brush of fur
You ache to believe it's real
but you are afraid to hope
You brush away a strand of hair
But it was I, whispering.....

I am only here for but a moment
The silver thread gently quivers
I will leave behind my love in a dream
When you awaken, and without really knowing why

Your heart will know at last
That it is all right, for now
to say good-bye

Copyright © Lisa Carmel Singer Printed with permission
 

[Ebyss]

It's a lovely poem. RIP Pegaso.

[LizSomerset]

Isn't it just the worst part of owning animals? I had to part with quite a few much loved horses over the years as well as a gorgeous little tabby cat.

Your horse looks to have been such a gentle soul - he looks to be in 7th heaven enjoying your scratches. Thank you for sharing the poem.

 

[TashaKat]

I'm thinking of you and you're not boring us at all.  Your story was very tragic for you both and I can completely understand why you're still feeling the way you are.  

Take care of yourself, the pain may fade but you'll never forget, he'll always be a part of you.

x

[shoveltrash]

part of the healing process is sharing our grief.

i can only offer my sincere thoughts & prayers for you.
remembering Pegs, and all that you went thru for him.....
RIP Pegaso

 

[Flashback]

tashakat and shoveltrash have beat me to it.  

i echo their words of wisdom and solace.

RIP Pegaso

[Mandeigh]

The pain will ease over time, or at least it will seem more distant, but its only been a year and the first aniversary is always the hardest.  And you know that horses pick their people, they come to us for many different reasons and you connected so deeply with Peg's that you will feel his loss so much.  I wonder sometimes if you feel you failed him?  Because you must know that's not true, you were a wonderful mum to him.

[Dark Cloud]

Chapsi, just allow yourself to feel your grief and sadness, your loss will never disappear but allowing yourself to grieve lets the sadness transform into thw wisdom of appreciating the magnificence of life as it is here. You sound like someone who may have read this but Cahlil Gibrahns book "the Prophet" has some beautiful healing poems on life.
I had a cat as a kid to young adult that was/is a real soul mate that I had to put to sleep from old age and kidney failure about 9yrs ago and I still miss him, love him and talk to him occasionally in my head. As I do about my Dad and half/sister who really I never stop missing or thinking about even 20yrs later.
I still get quite sad at times because they are so important to you but they are here in spirit. I dont thinks its a bad thing but grief transforms you, it dosnt go away, you become a person that has loved and "lost" you are experiencing the whole gamut of your feelings and if you allow it the grief will give you beauty (of understandin/seeing the specialnessof life and not taking it for granted) instead, a tender sometimes sad beauty, but beauty never the less.
Sorry for the long post, you just spoke to me. Heal well and send him lots of love . Jade
Ed for sp.

[GeneralPouchka]

Chapsi,  the pain will ease, over time.  Two years ago I lose Liam - he was everything to me.  I loved him dearly and without him I would never have had the confidence to get on with General.  He gave me confidence and strength.  I miss him so much still - I sit here in tears.

I feel your loss, I know you feel your hurt like a constant tug at the heart.  Just remember all the good times and all that Pegs gave to you.  We are honoured to be allowed into the world of these noble beasts and we can only continue to do them justice by remembering them and keeping their wonderful gift to us alive in our memories.

RIP Pegs.

Hugs to you Chapsi - be brave.

Sylina
 

[sandpiper]

We all grieve in different ways but I think all of us who have lost a much loved companion can share the pain you are suffering.  My Pip had been a difficult horse but his premature departure from this world tore my heart out.  I thought at the time I would never be able to cope with his loss as he had been such a major part of my life for 8 years, and there are still times I cry and miss him so much, but I am now able to remember the joy and pleasure he gave me and I feel honoured to have known him.

As the others have said, allow yourself to grieve and to share that grief, it helps to know people understand.  You will never forget him of course, but one day the emptiness will disappear and you will be able to remember Pegaso with love and happiness for the beautiful creature he was.

Thinking of you x

[minky]

Nobody will be bored...like Sandpiper says we can all identify with your lose.
You did the very best for him and gave him all your love which is why you find it so hard to get over.

I lost the most loyal,intelligent dog last year at the grand old age of 15 and I still find it difficult to talk about him...that how you know they were special.

RIP Pegs

Take Care
Nicola
 

[chapsi]

I wonder sometimes if you feel you failed him?

All the time!
I gave him his life back, but then I took it away from him.
I should have been an enlightened leader, full of confidence, coping with his antics, protecting him from himself. I should have been strong enough. I failed, yes, I feel I did. What was the point of reabilitating him, if years later I lead him to his death? What was the purpose of it all?
I couldn't cope any different from the way I did, but that still doesn't change the fact that I made him go through the second surgery, knowing it would most likely mean the end... I feel I was selfish, just because I couldn't simply cope with him any longer...

Pegs was a disturbed horse, the abuse he suffered the domineering atitude, the hormonal unbalance caused us lots of unhappiness, yet I loved him and I suspect he loved me his special way. Our good times together were scarce, there weren't many positive memories to remember, except that I loved him full heartedly more than any living creature!
 
All this hurts. I thank you all for your kind words. It gives me some relief to hear that this pain can still ease a bit more.  

[pintopiaffe]

ooohhh  (((hugs)))) and a <sniffle>

It's a beautiful poem.

It's been two and a half years since I lost the love of my life, and I still weep for her and have 'bad Teg days.'  Part of my heart was taken with her.  

Grief has no schedule, no calendar... and when a soul touches yours, a piece of yours goes with theirs...  

[epona]

gave him his life back, but then I took it away from him.
I should have been an enlightened leader, full of confidence, coping with his antics, protecting him from himself. I should have been strong enough. I failed, yes, I feel I did. What was the point of reabilitating him, if years later I lead him to his death? What was the purpose of it all?

You did give him his life back and you know deep in your heart he loved you - he just couldnt help the way he was.  It was medical not personal :(

Maria - he came to you for many reasons:

You showed him unconditional love
You could see the 'real' pegaso underneath all his *problems*
and in the end you showed him the greatest love of all - you set him free

He could have spent many years abused and unrecognised as the noble horse he was - that meant a lot to him. Take heart Maria - there definatley was a purpose to meeting Pegaso, you may not know it yet but someday you will know exactly why he came to you and what you have learnt from this experience.  He did love you - he protected you as only he knew how

I am so sorry you still feel such pain and hope that one day you remember him with joy not sorrow Its OK to grieve for him and to miss him but please believe me when I say you could have done no more for him than you did.  And as for being strong - what a load of nonsense. I am not sure I could have been as strong as you to have made such a brave and selfless decision for the best interests of another :blush:   In my books Maria YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON

Sending lots of love and (((HUGS)))

Vicky x
 

[tonyhopkins]

My thoughts are with you Maria, keep your head up and keep thinking of the few good times that unfold.

You never failed Pegs, you showed him unconditional love and you did everything you could for him.  Epona is right, you showed him the greatest love of all and set him free.
Atleast now he can stretch his wings.